Big Plans. One Leave.

I actually had big plans for my middle of the week leave from work. (okay, they were not really not that huge, read: life changing, but what the heck, they're huge for me. wehehehe.)

- go to the bank, deposit some money
- call travel agencies for hongkong-macau or hongkong-disneyland packages
- get a head start on our misallete
- finish my wedding master checklist
- finally organize all the fliers and brochures that I got from previous bridal fairs
- watch tv shows that I dont get to watch cause I'm at work
- make blueberry cheesecake (been craving one for the looooooongest time)

I had a good start. Around 11am, I went to the bank and succesfully deposited some money (love BDO!). Got home around 1, laid down for a while and started checking my mail and surfing the usual sites I visit. Went to get my phone and started calling travel agencies, but nobody seems to be answering (hmm, they might be on lunch break or something).

Got back to my lappie and started editing out the misallete. My eyes started to feel a bit droopy (I haven't slept since I came home from work), so I decided to take a short nap, thinking that I'll just get back to whatever I was doing a little later. Woke up around 4, I was simultaneously texting Tin about the "pabibos" and typing more stuff. Decided to wait for James (he got home around 5:30). We chatted for a while, then after signing off, I got back to my typing.

I remember that while I was envisioning the things I'm gonna do with what's left of my big leave, I started to feel a bit sleepy again and thought: " hmm, a couple minutes of snooze won't hurt." umm, no. I woke up to a dark room, TV off, lappie off. Picked up my fone and almost fell off the bed when I saw the time: 11:00 PM. WTF? ahahahaha. =) There goes my "big" plans.

oh well, at least I got "some" sleep. blueberry cheesecake can wait. =)

what is marriage?

Saw this passage from one of the sites James sent me when we were trying to choose the readings for our wedding. There were a lot of traditional and non-traditional passages on that site, and since that day we were solely focused on choosing the readings for the mass, this had not caught my eye until just about now. Hit me right there. Whew. Tears yet again.

What is Marriage?

(Anonymous)

Marriage is more than the exchange of rings

and the sharing of a household;

It is much more than just living together.

It is the desire to truly want to know

and understand another human being;

to feel and share in that person'shappiness,

as well as their pain.

Marriage is to never feel alone;

but rather, to know that you alwayshave a friend;

a partner in life thatyou can laugh and cry with.

To know that you always have that special someone

to share your innermost thoughts and fears,

and know that you will be heard.

Marriage is helping your partner to be

the absolute best that they can be,

while still being able to experience your own need and goals.

Marriage is love;

true love that goes far beyond passion;

It is a love that you can reach for in times of crisis as well as joy,

and know it will be there to comfort and to share.

musings of a bride to be

Okay. Here it goes. For the past week, I have been neck-deep in wedding details and I have not been able to take the time to write about everything that has happened.

Let's start from the beginning. James and I have been talking about marriage for a while. It has always been naman in our plans, we just didnt know when. This year, our talks about getting married has taken a serious turn. If it was up to James, we would have been married sooner. hahaha. I had no doubts of marrying him naman. The main reason why it took us a while to get back together was because I personally wanted to make sure that this is what I really wanted, na I was willing to work things out until the very end. But the thing is, we also agreed na after getting married, I would move to Japan to be with him.

I'm not gonna lie. It was probably the hardest decision I've had to make, definitely a huge leap of faith. But I was honestly amazed that I was actually willing to do it. That made me realize just how much I love James. I've always been the family's baby girl and it's definitely hard for me to leave the people and the life that I love so so much. But for some reason I was willing to take that huge leap, even I was surprised that I was willing to do it. I asked James to give me two years. Two years to slowly say goodbye to my current world. December 2010, that was our target.

And then one day, I dont know how or even why, I was sitting in the car with my dad and we started talking about marriage and weddings. Tapos he asked me, eh kayo ni James what are your plans? Ako naman, kwento kwento. As I was enumerating all our plans, it suddenly hit me, teka lang, I dont think I would need an extra year pa. I think I'm ready to get married na.

Weird, but at that time it just felt right.You guys should have seen the smile James had on his face when I finally told him that he wouldn't have to wait until 2010. hahaha. And then after that, everything started to happen in a whirl. I talked to my dad, tapos he told my mom and then suddenly I realized na this is it. It's official. We're gonna get married na. So James and I started making a few plans.

December was definitely a non-negotiable. We did not consider any other month. It's December, period. Birthday month kasi namin yun and we've always always loved December. So anyway, December 2008 was too close. We knew we could not pull off a wedding in less than a year, so we settled for December 2009.

Slowly, people started to know. What really surprised me were the opposite reactions of the people around me. My titos and titas including my lola and my parents were surprisingly very open to the idea. They all thought it was the right time, na I was of the right age. My friends on the other hand we're really shocked and kept on telling me that I was still too young. hahaha. Weird di ba? I honestly thought parents ko magsasabi nun sakin but my mom actually told me, " bakit ako magagalit, eh matanda ka na." ahahaha.

And that's when the madness began. I started browsing thru all the wedding related sites, just trying to see what is out there. Sa totoo lang, I had no plans of booking my suppliers just yet, gusto ko lang makita how the world of wedding planning was. And a few people started telling me, you know what, try to book na your church and your reception venue. I was like, huh? E ang tagal tagal pa. And they kept telling me, no no no, better start looking now. E di sige start looking daw eh. So yun I started asking around. OMG. San Agustin 26K (pag gusto mo i-open yung doors for a dramatic entrance another 1k), St. James 25K. Wala pang flowers yun ha. Waaaaah. Sakit sa heart di ba?

So anyway, I was veering towards Bamboo Organ. Very historical church, maganda sa loob and I like small churches. Not to mention na Tito ko yung parish priest, so plus plus points yun. I went home Saturday morning desido na mag-ocular sa Bamboo Organ. And then I get a call from Tita Aycie. She's my mom's friend and "the" wedding coordinator of St. James. She started telling me yung rates and all that pati yung mga dates na available. After the call, I talked to James. Syempre laking gastos nun eh.

Sa totoo lang, nagaalangan talaga ko gumastos ng ganun kalaki, considering na ang Bamboo Organ, 6,500 lang ang rate. But he told me na dun daw nya gusto. And I was like okay, let me talk to Tita Aycie again. After 10 minutes, we had a date already. Akalain mo yun. hahaha. Halos fully booked na ang December of 2009. And I called just in the nick of time cause 5 minutes after, somebody came trying to book a wedding for the same day that we chose. And she was willing to pay na right there and then. Pero syempre dahil malakas ako kay Tita Aycie, di nya binigay. hehehe.

So that's it:
December 18 2009, 2:30 PM.
St. James The Great in Ayala Alabang

can't wait. :)

believing in forever

I always thought, one day, I would outgrow my relationship with him. I never thought it could grow and mature. I thought it would be just an adolescent memory I'd look back on, like a crush on the captain of the football team.

But I realized we have more than that. Much much more. We have a history, a friendship. We listen to each other, we laugh together, we finish each other's lyrics. We dance, we sing, we dream, run around like kids, exchange endless stories from the most embarassing to the one secret you wouldn't even dare tell anybody else.

I don't have to pretend with him and he doesn't have to pretend with me. My feelings have never been more clear, and I now know they will never go away.

We've had our share of fights, of tears, of disagreements. We've broken up several times and have both sworn never to come back.

But I guess when you've found somebody who accepts you for who you are, somebody who knows the worst thing about you and yet chooses to stay, somebody who doesn't give up just because things got complicated, it wouldnt matter how many tears have rolled down your cheeks or how many times you've cried yourself to sleep.

What matters is that you have this person who makes everything worth it, every challenge, every risk. Somebody who, for the first time ever in your life, made you think: "Maybe forever isn't just a dream after all.."

scared.

As I was channel surfing, I came across a flick about a journalist who fabricated 27 out of his 41 magazine articles to advance his career. He invented names of people and claimed that they were his sources. He wrote about places that don't even exist and passed them off as actual facts. I was only able to catch the latter part of the film, but for a Mass Communication graduate, it was a bit disturbing for me to watch, especially after finding out that it was based on a true story.

Now, I wonder how many more journalists are like that out there? That's a scary thought. I mean, media is a very influential tool. We all know that. We form our opinions based on what we read on the newspapers or what we see on the 6 o'clock news.

I mean, I know of some cases where the media would slant a certain article or a certain piece of news for the benefit of their sponsors. I've heard about how certain news stories do not reach the public because a certain network or a newspaper is protecting people of higher positions. I'm not saying that's okay, it's definitely not, but fabricating 27 articles? That's another story.

Has this what the world has come to? Are the people of today really willing to sacrifice their own integrity all for 15 minutes of fame? Are we really that apathetic to the world that we are now willing to fool other people, including ourselves, into believing certain things that are not even close to the truth all because we want a Pulitzer or a high-paying job?

In my years with The Scholastican, all I've heard during our journalism seminars are stories about media men getting killed because they've dipped their pens into something they shouldn't have. I've heard of school publications being forced to shut down because they said something against their school or their university. Many men and women have given up their lives all for the price of bringing people facts, hard facts. And for these certain people to fabricate stories, not only is that immoral but it's an insult to all those men and women.

Don't you think it's scary that when reading a newspaper or watching the news, you don't even know which ones are true and which ones are nothing but lies, which ones are slanted and which ones aren't? The truth is, as I've said, the media is very powerful. Basically, it can make you think whatever they want you to think. That's a fact. And now that the media has been penetrated by people who seem to not have a soul, isn't that a little bit scary?

For me it is.

what ifs

Writing about regrets yesterday made me think. Do you have a what if person? You know, that certain someone that you think about from time to time and wonder what could have happened if the two of you got together or if you fought for each other?

A close friend told me that a lot of people have what if persons. He said this was because a lot of us are, more often than not, too scared to be vulnerable or too frightened to take that first step knowing that there's no turning back.

What is it about taking the plunge that scares us half to death? Is it our pride? Are we naturally afraid to show vulnerability to another person? Is it because we're stepping out of the box and we're scared of the possibility that we might not like what's outside? Or is it because we were brought up to believe that it's selfish to think about our own happiness?

A lot of people have been saying you should follow your own heart, yada yada yada. But you know what? Truth is, it's never really that easy. Life has a lot of gray areas. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your own happiness for the benefit of everybody else around you, sometimes you just have to turn away from that certain something or that certain someone that makes your heart skip a beat and sometimes you have no choice but to walk away and to never look back.

That's the reality of life, I guess. Sad, but definitely true. And when that happens, all that we have left are our what ifs.

*sigh*

regrets

From eating that last piece of chocolate mousse to loving someone who we probably should'nt have, or not telling somebody how we really feel because we were too scared, we've been there. We've all been there.

They say regret is not really about what you did but what you didn't do. It's about the what ifs and the what could have beens. I was never a risk-taker. I played safe. I stayed in my comfort zone for years. But last year, I took the plunge. For the very first time, I took a risk. To some people, it was a huge mistake. But to me, it was a risk worth taking.

It did not end well, obviously. No happily ever afters. But the mere fact that I decided to take that risk is something that I will never regret. Loving a person can never be a mistake. Well, yeah, maybe there were a few things I could have done differently, but one thing I would never change is the fact that I loved and I will always love.

I've lost four people last year, both literally and figuratively. Four people that will always, always be a part of me. These losses made me realize that life really is too short, too short for even a single what if or a what could have been.