I cried. (repost from 12/11/2008)

I cried. I don't like crying, at least not in front of people I barely know. Work is work. I choose not to mix emotions with my job. I felt embarrassed that I was not able to contain myself. But I just got so fed up with everything that has happened.

I love my job. I like what I do. I like the people that I work with. I go to work on time, I extend my hours if needed, I do everything asked of me. I am not the most perfect employee, but I really do try my hardest to hit whatever we are asked to hit. Employment status is not a small issue, whether it is just a computer glitch or human error. Being marked as termed is bad enough, what frustrates me is how HR dealt with it, or should I say how they did NOT deal with it.

I first encountered a snag when we were supposed to take the security test and people from US could not seem to find my name or even my email address on the list of employees. I was requested to contact our local HR. My immediate supervisor emailed them, she asked me to email them a couple of days later to follow up, which I did. That was three weeks ago. I did not even receive a single reply. How hard can it be to say: "We're working on it. We'll get back to you by blah blah blah." ? That's basic decency.

Weeks later, we were asked to do a self evaluation. Again, my employee ID was not accepted. The reason? According to US, that employee id number, the same number that I have on my supposedly valid company ID, is marked as termed. Again, I was advised to contact local HR, which we did. They replied, stating that they will be looking into it, which they should have been doing THREE WEEKS AGO.

In the first place, I don't understand how I could be marked as termed. We're not even a company of thousands of employees. Yes, people do make mistakes. Yes, it could be possible that it was a computer glitch. But my point is, why are they treating this lightly? Like something they could just deal with after the holidays? For a company that makes money out of background checks, they should have known how important employment records are.

Yes, everybody knows that I am part of the company. Yes, I have received every single pay. But that's not the point. This is my employment record. We're dealing with legal documents here. If let's say I apply for a loan and the bank conducts a background investigation on me, there could be a possibility that my records would not be in the system or worse, my records would show that I was no longer part of the company! Is that what you don't call a big deal?

The other night when my leave conversion did not come in on time, I was beyond upset. I cried my heart out, not because of the money, but because of the way things have been happening the past couple of months. Yes, it could have been because of the bank, and yes, it did arrive around 3am, but still, when you're marked as termed and you're supposedly leave conversion did not come in, what was I supposed to think?

It was never about the money. My work has never been about the money. If it was, I would have left Manila a long time ago. I am here because I like what I do and I choose to do it. I do feel a bit offended with how they treat us. They should have realized that this was a big deal and it's not something you get back to as an afterthought.

I cried, and to be honest, I felt a bit embarrassed. I should have maintained professionalism. I should have sucked it in and spoke without revealing my true emotions. But I was just so disappointed and fed up already. It's tough enough to get motivated when you're dealing with a hard client who has impossible demands, what more when you dont even get the treatment that you deserve.

I just feel blessed to have C as my team lead. If not for her, I don't know how I could have kept calm for so long. I remember I was all set to walk out that night. I called James, crying incessantly, telling him I dont wanna stay anymore. But he convinced me to go inside and deal with it like an adult.

My eyes were red but I was fairly okay. And then I saw C and emotions just got the better of me. She's just so nice to us and I just really felt guilty about complaining. But at the same time, I'm just so disappointed with how everything was dealt with. It was not her fault and I felt bad that she was at the receiving end of my pent up frustrations with HR.

I have a couple of days to relax, to get my act together. Monday morning, I will be back to work with my game face on. No more tears, no more crying. But I will not take the issue with my employment status sitting down. They will hear from me, just without the tears and snuffles.

--
I am a witness to the suffering of my people.
I am a chronicler of truth and a catalyst of change.

-The Scholastican-

missing Batch 1 and 2

--
I am a witness to the suffering of my people.
I am a chronicler of truth and a catalyst of change.

-The Scholastican-

one week

I got a text from a friend saying: "one week nalang birthday mo na!". That hit me like a ton of bricks. He was right, barely a week to go and I am turning a year older. How time flies. Around this time last year my whole thought process was about closing the doors but leaving a window out open. This time, I think I am just about ready to close that window.

I have never really been one to walk away and cut off all ties. I have always held on to this tiny bit of hope that someday those burned bridges would be built back. To be honest I was more scared than hopeful. Scared to let go of what was familiar and what felt good. I stubbornly held on to the belief that once a person enters your life, they will always be there. Doesn't matter if they walked away or chose to go through a different process.

But for the past few weeks I have had recurring thoughts about finally closing all the doors and windows and turning my back on everything that I had held on to. I think I have come to realize that some people are just meant to walk in and then walk right back out. As much as I would want to fantasize about things or should I say people staying the way I have come to know them, I think this time I am ready to face reality that life is not like that. People change. Things change. And some, you just cannot take back.

I am on the verge of a huge step. Funny, but I have just realized exactly how huge the step I am trying to take is. And if I choose to really go through with this, which I fully intend to do, I need to let some baggages go. I need to turn my back to the past and start moving forward. I am scared as hell but just the possiblity of what the future has for me, for us, makes the letting go part easier.

It does hurt to let go of people you've come to treat as your family, people who at one point occupied every single moment of your life. But I feel in my gut that I just have to do this. *sigh.*

--
I am a witness to the suffering of my people.
I am a chronicler of truth and a catalyst of change.

-The Scholastican-

HK-Macau '08

We've been back for almost a week now and I have not found the time to blog about our trip or post our pics. My days have been filled with meetings and oculars that I have yet to find time to finish reading my 1,000 plus email messages. Eeek! Anyhoo, I managed to snatch a couple of hours today, so this entry would probably be super loooong. ahahahaha.

First off, our HK-Macau trip was a blast. It was super fun, though really tiring. We have loads of pictures and I dont think I have the energy to give a blow by blow account anymore, so I'm just gonna let the pictures speak for themselves. (tamad eh no. wehehehe) Though I was basically freezing cold, even with all my layers, I really had fun. I even mentioned to James that HongKong or Macau could be one of our honeymoon options. His answer? We'll see. =)

Speaking of James. I should have known. When will I ever learn? ahahahaha. He was supposed to come home December 1. I got a call from him November 30, we were still in Hong Kong that time. He was asking where we parked our other car and where my tito's house where we parked it was located. I asked him why he was asking these questions and he fessed up that he was already in Manila and that he was planning to get the car and drive to the airport just in time for our flight. I was literally crossing a busy HK street when he said that and I nearly got ran over! ahahahaha. Typical James. Just another reason why I love him. =)

Whew. I changed my mind. I do want to list the things that I loved about the trip (hahaha):

1. Macau
- I soooo loved Macau. Every place we went to was just magical. And the weather? Fabulous! =) Venetian was a dream. Language was a huge barrier, though. And the people were not really that warm, unlike Filipinos. But generally Macau was absolutely super duper great. I wish I could come back next year for the Grand Prix. =)

inside the Venetian Hotel

feeling nasa Europe. wehehe.

ruins of St. Paul

malamig eh. bakit ba? ahahahaha.

2. HK Disneyland
- To be perfectly honest, I think I enjoyed HK Disneyland more than the one in California. I dont know, maybe because it wasn't really filled to the brim with people or maybe because it feels more like home with all the Filipino employees roaming around, always willing to lend a hand. At the end of the day, I was bursting with Filipino pride. The Pinoys there are super talented. My favorite? The all Pinoy marching band. Galing! =)

haba ng pila kay Mickey eh. hehehe.

parang Disney California din..

Golden Mickeys (definitely a must see..)

Snow White's castle at night

pinoys @ HK Disney (may panget na kasama. ahahaha.)

3. The Panorama Hotel
- Rooms were a bit of a squeeze, which was typical of Hong Kong, but the staff were so warm and efficient. They greet you with "Magandang Gabi" or "Salamat" and they're not even Filipinos. When we shopped, we had our stuff delivered to the hotel so we wouldn't have to lug them around. When we came back, we had a message on our TV screen reminding us of our packages. Cool!

There were also about 5 Filipinos working there and they did help us a lot with directions. Though we got lost on our way there, (the hotel is fairly new so the cabbies were not really that familiar with it..), when we finally got to the hotel, there were three bellhops who opened the doors and carried our luggage. They even checked if we left something inside the cab, which was a good thing, cause I almost left lappie behind with my frustration with the cab driver. whew.

na-amaze ako, promise. hehehehe.

bill namin, nakikita din sa TV. hehehe.

4. Trendyland
- Prices for Disney stuff in Disneyland were through the roof! My kuripot ways really could not take spending HK$40 for a small keychain. Good thing I was able to get a tip from pexers that I could buy Disney stuff at half the price in Trendyland. weeee. =) I loved it and it was right near our hotel. =) I snatched up some chopsticks for Tin and a Winnie the Pooh bookmark for Chot and a couple more stuff for my inaanaks, and syempre for me. wehehehehe. =)

Whew. The trip was a whirl, but definitely worth it. Relaxing? Umm, not really. Fun? Most definitely! =) Can't wait to go back. Hopefully with James naman next time. *crossing fingers* hehehehe.

more pics:

terorista sa Macau

at may kasabwat pa.

nagpipicture na nga, pinicturan parin sarili. vain! tsk tsk. panget naman. hahahaha.

feel at home? bahay mo? wahahahaha. =)

pulubi sa Disney. hehehe.

at least nakatingin naman kahit pano..

pamilyang pakyut. ahahaahahaha..=)

--
I am a witness to the suffering of my people.
I am a chronicler of truth and a catalyst of change.

-The Scholastican-

Japan Pre Nup Pics by Nelwin Uy

Nope, it's not ours. ahahaha. It's too early. =) Chanced upon this one from a w@wie post and I have to admit, I got a tad bit envious. ahahaha. =) dream ko talaga tong ganitong pics with the cherry blossoms. oh well, soon. =) Nelwin Uy is such a superb photographer. I am truly amazed with the wealth of talented photographers that we currently have.

I have to admit that at first, I thought we would have limited choices, but when I started making the list of possible photogs for our wedding, it turns out I have more than ten. ahahaha. Just goes to show how talented Filipinos are. Galing, galing! =)

more pics from Nelwin's blog: http://www.nelwinuy.com/blog/

--
I am a witness to the suffering of my people.
I am a chronicler of truth and a catalyst of change.

-The Scholastican-

crazy week

Whew. got into a bit of a tizzy last week. First, I had to finalize our Hong Kong-Macau trip, which was really not supposed to push through until last Monday, waaaaah. Cramming galore. I spent hours upon hours of surfing sites just to get all the information we would need. We'll be leaving on the 27th and will be coming back on the 30th. Whew. Crossing my fingers that everything will go smoothly.

One gripe though, I have communicated with the people from the two hotels that we've booked and for some reason the rates for their internet connection are through the roof! Our hotel in Hong Kong boasts of LCD TVs and Ipod Docks in their rooms, but I was told that for me to be able to connect to the web, I'd have to pay HK$150 per day for Wi-Fi (that's roughly 900 plus pesos) or HK$100 (roughly 600 plus pesos) for Broadband. Ugh. Our hotel in Macau practically had the same rates. Double ugh.

Hello! I mean, at this day and age, when WiFi is free at Starbucks or even at Burger King, I'd have to pay like a thousand pesos just to get net access for a day! Waaah. Makes me have second thoughts of bringing lappie along. I dont know if my kuripot persona could take it. ahahaha. On the other hand, I do need web access cause I have to finalize details with James (he's arriving December 1. Talk about hectic.) as well as with a couple of wedding suppliers we're supposed to meet the week after. another waaah.

Speaking of wedding suppliers, I had quite a bit of a sad moment the other day. I was informed by the photographer we were so intent on booking, that he was already booked on December 18 2009. Yup, more than a year to go and yet somebody already got him. Sad. No one to blame but me, I guess. I just really wanted James here when we start reserving the major suppliers. I guess it wasnt really meant for us.

Oh well. I've decided to stop obsessing about it, what's done is done. We have a wealth of talented pinoy photographers. It's just a matter of finding one that would fit our budget. I've already initiated communication with three possible photogs and we're supposed to meet them between December 2-4. I'm already excited! =)

It's gonna be a tight couple of days, but I just really want this thing booked and done. One less thing to think about. Whew. Here's to hoping everything will just turn out smoothly. I can feel it already, December's gonna be one hell of a crazy month. ahahahaha. =)
--
p.s.
I just found out that I am one payment shy of officially owning lappie. yey! ahahaha. this was my first big purchase, and I am pretty much proud that I was able to pay for it out of my hard earned money. hahahaha. =) Next stop: wedding expenses. waaaaaaaaah. ahahahaha. =)

--
I am a witness to the suffering of my people.
I am a chronicler of truth and a catalyst of change.

-The Scholastican-

of leaves and suprises

We've all been there. You know those days when we're lying on the bed, wishing we didn't have to go to work and then thinking: "hmmm, what if I just call in sick and then sleep all night long." I'll be honest I have come close to calling in sick about more than ten times (hahaha) 'cause I felt like my pillows were calling me to go back and sleep. But for some reason, my conscience always gets the better of me.

Just this morning, I found out that all those days that I have chosen to step away from my bed and haul my ass off to work have basically paid off. By some sort of fluke we had extra four paid leaves and that's on top of my 10 encashable leaves. yey! I was super happy. I got to choose the dates that I wanted and all of those days would be when James gets back home. another yey! =) Love it. =) I was literally smiling on my way home, which probably looked a little bit crazy cause I didn't have anybody with me. hahahaha. =)

Another good news that I got this week was about the w@w auction. a little backstory: WeddingsAtWork held an auction wherein things like hair and makeup trials, photo and video packages, flowers, wedding coordination, etc were all up for bid. I wish I could have went for the big ones like Cecilio Abad Wedding Gown Packages or a Jason Magbanua Video Coverage, but most of the big ticket items were only until November 2009. Oh well.

But since I could not resist joining in, I just bid on the hair and make up trial packages, particularly Eddie Bruan's. It was fun and exciting. With literally 20 seconds left, I was able to win an Eddie Bruan HMU Trial for 750 pesos (it was worth 1,500). I was so happy. I mean, I saved like 50%. When I got the email from Ms. Benz confirming that I won the item, imagine my shock when she told me that I didnt have to pay for it. They're giving it to me for free! Wow! =) Talk about lucky. =) All this because I'm a w@w bride. =) hahaha. I just love being a w@w bride. =)

--
I am a witness to the suffering of my people.
I am a chronicler of truth and a catalyst of change.

-The Scholastican-

piggy bank project

As much as I dont want to, I have to face reality that money is a factor in planning a wedding. For couples like me and James, who choose not to ask our families for monetary help, it is a bit of struggle. Scratch that. It's a huge struggle. With the rise of prices these days, if one is not careful, you can easily incur hundreds of thousands in wedding expenses without even noticing. waaaah. no, no, no.

It has been a huge challenge for us to save. James has gone ahead and started working two jobs, so you can just imagine how exhausted he is. I, on the other hand, have been trying to get myself a second part time job, but it's a bit hard to find one that fits my current schedule. So in the meantime, I have decided to put my Piggy Bank Project into action. ahahaha. =)

What I do is make myself put away 100 pesos a day. (yes, make. I've actually set my phone to remind me to do this every single day for the next 300 days. ahahaha.) I think it was just a couple of months ago when I figured that if i do this religiously for 10 months or 300 days, I'd have 30,000 pesos. sweet. =) That could easily pay for the flowers or the dessert bar or a van rental. This is on top of my monthly scheduled wedding savings. In short, extra money.yipee. =)

I roadtested this in an effort to save up enough money for my share of the Baguio trip (which incidentally would not push through.) and in two months time, I actually had more than enough. yey! =) My dad would always wonder why I kept on saying that I had no money even if it was just a day after payday. Well, technically, I really don't have any, they're all in my piggy. ahahaha. =)

I don't know about other people, but for me, it's actually harder to put away a huge amount once a month rather than doing it daily with smaller amounts and then realizing that I actually ended up saving more. =) Besides, it helps that I don't see the money. Less spending. ahahaha. =)

I tried to share this with James but he had his own financial plan. Oh well, whatever gets the job done, I guess. =)

--
I am a witness to the suffering of my people.
I am a chronicler of truth and a catalyst of change.

-The Scholastican-

Hairspray Invades Manila!

I know this whole Hairspray Manila thing is old news, but it was only this morning that James and I decided to forego our Baguio trip and go watch Hairspray instead. yey! =) Planning to get the tickets by Tuesday, my one last leave from work before December. I actually had my heart set on Baguio, but when I saw this clip from Our Awesome Planet, I completely forgot that I have been driving myself crazy making Baguio plans for the past two weeks. ahaha. =)

Here's a sneak peek of Hairspray Manila courtesy of Our Awesome Planet:

I've fallen in love with Hairspray about a year ago. I love how it's funny, fun and thought provoking all at the same time. And it doesn't hurt that it's a musicale. I looove musicales. hahaha. James does too, but he'll probably deny it. ahahaha. =)

As I was digging through youtube, I was able to come across this behind the scenes clip from Hairspray (2007). Loved Michelle Pfiefer and John Travolta. =)

Let's just hope we get good seats, cause otherwise, we'd probably just fall back on our Baguio plans. hahaha. =) *crossing fingers *

--
I am a witness to the suffering of my people.
I am a chronicler of truth and a catalyst of change.

-The Scholastican-

a little bit of wedding stuff

I woke up and had the urge to blog. The problem was I really didnt have anything to write. hahahaha. =) Good thing I came across a post from Ni of w@w , sharing pictures of her flowergirl gowns. I have to say, I absolutely love them. =) They're so adorable. =) The gowns also pushed me a wee bit more to finally go for the navy blue, although we will be mixing ours with a touch of fuschia. =)

Anyway, grabbed a few of the pics, hope she won't mind.. =) Got them from her blog: http://tanivillamora.wordpress.com/2008/10/24/flower-girl-gowns/

I love the fullness of the skirts. I was actually thinking of giving all my girls (bridesmaids included) full skirts. Of course, they'll probably cost a bit more, but I like the way it looks on pictures, especially when the whole entourage gathers for a group pic. =)

The brooch detail I also like. James and I have decided that there will be no beading whatsoever with the entourage gowns (except for the gowns of our moms) or if ever, it will be very minimal.So I had this idea of just placing brooches on the gowns to add a little bit of sparkle. I wanted pink brooches, though. I actually have one, I just can't remember where I got it. ahahaha. =)

Can't believe it's already November. A few more weeks and James will be back home, yey! =) Can't wait. December is right around the corner. Waaaaaaaaah. One year to go. I honestly cannot believe that it has already been six months since we started preparing for our wedding. And what do we have to show for it? Umm, our church and the reception venue. ahahahaha. =) Come December, I'm pretty sure wedding stuff will be coming out of our ears. hahahaha. =)


--
I am a witness to the suffering of my people.
I am a chronicler of truth and a catalyst of change.

-The Scholastican-

Take A Bow with a Twist (by HappySlip)

James sent me this video from HappySlip and I love, love, looooove it. Got a bit teary eyed with the words she used in her Take A Bow Version:

You stand before me right now
Telling me all your vows
In front of God and our friends
I'll stay with you til the end
I pledge my life

After all that I put you through
You have shown your love that is true

And this is what I know
You are not self seeking
It's your humble heart
That always thinks of others
You are worth the wait
Noble man of honor
I stand before you now
and I accept your vows

For better, for worse
For richer, for poorer
In sickness, and in health
oh I am yours

I stand before you now
and I accept your vows

And then just when I was about to close the window, I saw that James made a comment (he's F5inc) on the site. Here's what he said:

F5Inc (1 hour ago)

this is really good. if there's only a way i could make it a song in my coming wedding when making the vows, i'd do it. thanks for the song.

awww. so sweet. =)

work, babies, parties and true friends.

It has been a sluggish work week. We've been on a heavy workload and I think it's beginning to take its toll on me. I come home and all I wanna do is sleep. James has been around more often than usual but that didn't even perk me up. He has been commenting on and off about how I have zero energy (true.). I dont know, I just feel tired and a tad bit overworked. Hopefully, things will be better this week.

One great thing about my week was getting to see the girls. It has been soooooooooo long since we last saw each other. Even if I had zero sleep, we invaded Keane's party with our endless stories and booboos. hahaha. =) It was nice to get reminded about how truly blessed I am to have friends like them. It has been years and yet here we are, still the same girls, cracking the same jokes (although our topics have since evolved to more mature ones. hahaha.)

Doesnt matter how rare we see each other, I know we'll always, always be friends. We've all gone through a lot, but I think what made things easier for us was the fact that we have gone through the tough times together. With them, I could just be me without fear of ever being judged.

Keane's party was definitely a blast. I loved everything from the food, to the games, to the mascots. hahahaha. It was a bit surreal, though. I can't believe that this little guy has actually turned one already! Time flew by sooo fast. I havent even fully absorbed the fact that we're all in that timeframe already. You know that time where everybody around you whom you've known since way way back, either start having kids or start getting married. It's nice, actually. =) Really, really nice. =)

And oh yeah, we're welcoming a new little kid in the group and we've all decided that the baby is gonna be a girl (her parents just dont know yet). ahahahaha. =) We're so, so excited. Can't wait. =)

Big Plans. One Leave.

I actually had big plans for my middle of the week leave from work. (okay, they were not really not that huge, read: life changing, but what the heck, they're huge for me. wehehehe.)

- go to the bank, deposit some money
- call travel agencies for hongkong-macau or hongkong-disneyland packages
- get a head start on our misallete
- finish my wedding master checklist
- finally organize all the fliers and brochures that I got from previous bridal fairs
- watch tv shows that I dont get to watch cause I'm at work
- make blueberry cheesecake (been craving one for the looooooongest time)

I had a good start. Around 11am, I went to the bank and succesfully deposited some money (love BDO!). Got home around 1, laid down for a while and started checking my mail and surfing the usual sites I visit. Went to get my phone and started calling travel agencies, but nobody seems to be answering (hmm, they might be on lunch break or something).

Got back to my lappie and started editing out the misallete. My eyes started to feel a bit droopy (I haven't slept since I came home from work), so I decided to take a short nap, thinking that I'll just get back to whatever I was doing a little later. Woke up around 4, I was simultaneously texting Tin about the "pabibos" and typing more stuff. Decided to wait for James (he got home around 5:30). We chatted for a while, then after signing off, I got back to my typing.

I remember that while I was envisioning the things I'm gonna do with what's left of my big leave, I started to feel a bit sleepy again and thought: " hmm, a couple minutes of snooze won't hurt." umm, no. I woke up to a dark room, TV off, lappie off. Picked up my fone and almost fell off the bed when I saw the time: 11:00 PM. WTF? ahahahaha. =) There goes my "big" plans.

oh well, at least I got "some" sleep. blueberry cheesecake can wait. =)

what is marriage?

Saw this passage from one of the sites James sent me when we were trying to choose the readings for our wedding. There were a lot of traditional and non-traditional passages on that site, and since that day we were solely focused on choosing the readings for the mass, this had not caught my eye until just about now. Hit me right there. Whew. Tears yet again.

What is Marriage?

(Anonymous)

Marriage is more than the exchange of rings

and the sharing of a household;

It is much more than just living together.

It is the desire to truly want to know

and understand another human being;

to feel and share in that person'shappiness,

as well as their pain.

Marriage is to never feel alone;

but rather, to know that you alwayshave a friend;

a partner in life thatyou can laugh and cry with.

To know that you always have that special someone

to share your innermost thoughts and fears,

and know that you will be heard.

Marriage is helping your partner to be

the absolute best that they can be,

while still being able to experience your own need and goals.

Marriage is love;

true love that goes far beyond passion;

It is a love that you can reach for in times of crisis as well as joy,

and know it will be there to comfort and to share.

musings of a bride to be

Okay. Here it goes. For the past week, I have been neck-deep in wedding details and I have not been able to take the time to write about everything that has happened.

Let's start from the beginning. James and I have been talking about marriage for a while. It has always been naman in our plans, we just didnt know when. This year, our talks about getting married has taken a serious turn. If it was up to James, we would have been married sooner. hahaha. I had no doubts of marrying him naman. The main reason why it took us a while to get back together was because I personally wanted to make sure that this is what I really wanted, na I was willing to work things out until the very end. But the thing is, we also agreed na after getting married, I would move to Japan to be with him.

I'm not gonna lie. It was probably the hardest decision I've had to make, definitely a huge leap of faith. But I was honestly amazed that I was actually willing to do it. That made me realize just how much I love James. I've always been the family's baby girl and it's definitely hard for me to leave the people and the life that I love so so much. But for some reason I was willing to take that huge leap, even I was surprised that I was willing to do it. I asked James to give me two years. Two years to slowly say goodbye to my current world. December 2010, that was our target.

And then one day, I dont know how or even why, I was sitting in the car with my dad and we started talking about marriage and weddings. Tapos he asked me, eh kayo ni James what are your plans? Ako naman, kwento kwento. As I was enumerating all our plans, it suddenly hit me, teka lang, I dont think I would need an extra year pa. I think I'm ready to get married na.

Weird, but at that time it just felt right.You guys should have seen the smile James had on his face when I finally told him that he wouldn't have to wait until 2010. hahaha. And then after that, everything started to happen in a whirl. I talked to my dad, tapos he told my mom and then suddenly I realized na this is it. It's official. We're gonna get married na. So James and I started making a few plans.

December was definitely a non-negotiable. We did not consider any other month. It's December, period. Birthday month kasi namin yun and we've always always loved December. So anyway, December 2008 was too close. We knew we could not pull off a wedding in less than a year, so we settled for December 2009.

Slowly, people started to know. What really surprised me were the opposite reactions of the people around me. My titos and titas including my lola and my parents were surprisingly very open to the idea. They all thought it was the right time, na I was of the right age. My friends on the other hand we're really shocked and kept on telling me that I was still too young. hahaha. Weird di ba? I honestly thought parents ko magsasabi nun sakin but my mom actually told me, " bakit ako magagalit, eh matanda ka na." ahahaha.

And that's when the madness began. I started browsing thru all the wedding related sites, just trying to see what is out there. Sa totoo lang, I had no plans of booking my suppliers just yet, gusto ko lang makita how the world of wedding planning was. And a few people started telling me, you know what, try to book na your church and your reception venue. I was like, huh? E ang tagal tagal pa. And they kept telling me, no no no, better start looking now. E di sige start looking daw eh. So yun I started asking around. OMG. San Agustin 26K (pag gusto mo i-open yung doors for a dramatic entrance another 1k), St. James 25K. Wala pang flowers yun ha. Waaaaah. Sakit sa heart di ba?

So anyway, I was veering towards Bamboo Organ. Very historical church, maganda sa loob and I like small churches. Not to mention na Tito ko yung parish priest, so plus plus points yun. I went home Saturday morning desido na mag-ocular sa Bamboo Organ. And then I get a call from Tita Aycie. She's my mom's friend and "the" wedding coordinator of St. James. She started telling me yung rates and all that pati yung mga dates na available. After the call, I talked to James. Syempre laking gastos nun eh.

Sa totoo lang, nagaalangan talaga ko gumastos ng ganun kalaki, considering na ang Bamboo Organ, 6,500 lang ang rate. But he told me na dun daw nya gusto. And I was like okay, let me talk to Tita Aycie again. After 10 minutes, we had a date already. Akalain mo yun. hahaha. Halos fully booked na ang December of 2009. And I called just in the nick of time cause 5 minutes after, somebody came trying to book a wedding for the same day that we chose. And she was willing to pay na right there and then. Pero syempre dahil malakas ako kay Tita Aycie, di nya binigay. hehehe.

So that's it:
December 18 2009, 2:30 PM.
St. James The Great in Ayala Alabang

can't wait. :)

believing in forever

I always thought, one day, I would outgrow my relationship with him. I never thought it could grow and mature. I thought it would be just an adolescent memory I'd look back on, like a crush on the captain of the football team.

But I realized we have more than that. Much much more. We have a history, a friendship. We listen to each other, we laugh together, we finish each other's lyrics. We dance, we sing, we dream, run around like kids, exchange endless stories from the most embarassing to the one secret you wouldn't even dare tell anybody else.

I don't have to pretend with him and he doesn't have to pretend with me. My feelings have never been more clear, and I now know they will never go away.

We've had our share of fights, of tears, of disagreements. We've broken up several times and have both sworn never to come back.

But I guess when you've found somebody who accepts you for who you are, somebody who knows the worst thing about you and yet chooses to stay, somebody who doesn't give up just because things got complicated, it wouldnt matter how many tears have rolled down your cheeks or how many times you've cried yourself to sleep.

What matters is that you have this person who makes everything worth it, every challenge, every risk. Somebody who, for the first time ever in your life, made you think: "Maybe forever isn't just a dream after all.."

scared.

As I was channel surfing, I came across a flick about a journalist who fabricated 27 out of his 41 magazine articles to advance his career. He invented names of people and claimed that they were his sources. He wrote about places that don't even exist and passed them off as actual facts. I was only able to catch the latter part of the film, but for a Mass Communication graduate, it was a bit disturbing for me to watch, especially after finding out that it was based on a true story.

Now, I wonder how many more journalists are like that out there? That's a scary thought. I mean, media is a very influential tool. We all know that. We form our opinions based on what we read on the newspapers or what we see on the 6 o'clock news.

I mean, I know of some cases where the media would slant a certain article or a certain piece of news for the benefit of their sponsors. I've heard about how certain news stories do not reach the public because a certain network or a newspaper is protecting people of higher positions. I'm not saying that's okay, it's definitely not, but fabricating 27 articles? That's another story.

Has this what the world has come to? Are the people of today really willing to sacrifice their own integrity all for 15 minutes of fame? Are we really that apathetic to the world that we are now willing to fool other people, including ourselves, into believing certain things that are not even close to the truth all because we want a Pulitzer or a high-paying job?

In my years with The Scholastican, all I've heard during our journalism seminars are stories about media men getting killed because they've dipped their pens into something they shouldn't have. I've heard of school publications being forced to shut down because they said something against their school or their university. Many men and women have given up their lives all for the price of bringing people facts, hard facts. And for these certain people to fabricate stories, not only is that immoral but it's an insult to all those men and women.

Don't you think it's scary that when reading a newspaper or watching the news, you don't even know which ones are true and which ones are nothing but lies, which ones are slanted and which ones aren't? The truth is, as I've said, the media is very powerful. Basically, it can make you think whatever they want you to think. That's a fact. And now that the media has been penetrated by people who seem to not have a soul, isn't that a little bit scary?

For me it is.

what ifs

Writing about regrets yesterday made me think. Do you have a what if person? You know, that certain someone that you think about from time to time and wonder what could have happened if the two of you got together or if you fought for each other?

A close friend told me that a lot of people have what if persons. He said this was because a lot of us are, more often than not, too scared to be vulnerable or too frightened to take that first step knowing that there's no turning back.

What is it about taking the plunge that scares us half to death? Is it our pride? Are we naturally afraid to show vulnerability to another person? Is it because we're stepping out of the box and we're scared of the possibility that we might not like what's outside? Or is it because we were brought up to believe that it's selfish to think about our own happiness?

A lot of people have been saying you should follow your own heart, yada yada yada. But you know what? Truth is, it's never really that easy. Life has a lot of gray areas. Sometimes you have to sacrifice your own happiness for the benefit of everybody else around you, sometimes you just have to turn away from that certain something or that certain someone that makes your heart skip a beat and sometimes you have no choice but to walk away and to never look back.

That's the reality of life, I guess. Sad, but definitely true. And when that happens, all that we have left are our what ifs.

*sigh*

regrets

From eating that last piece of chocolate mousse to loving someone who we probably should'nt have, or not telling somebody how we really feel because we were too scared, we've been there. We've all been there.

They say regret is not really about what you did but what you didn't do. It's about the what ifs and the what could have beens. I was never a risk-taker. I played safe. I stayed in my comfort zone for years. But last year, I took the plunge. For the very first time, I took a risk. To some people, it was a huge mistake. But to me, it was a risk worth taking.

It did not end well, obviously. No happily ever afters. But the mere fact that I decided to take that risk is something that I will never regret. Loving a person can never be a mistake. Well, yeah, maybe there were a few things I could have done differently, but one thing I would never change is the fact that I loved and I will always love.

I've lost four people last year, both literally and figuratively. Four people that will always, always be a part of me. These losses made me realize that life really is too short, too short for even a single what if or a what could have been.

i believe.

kismet. fate. destiny. serendipity.

At this day and age where pseudo relationships are the norm and that cyberdating and eyeballs are practically a coming-of-age ritual, are there still people out there who believe in fate? Are there still people who believe that there is this one person who was born for them and that all roads, with all its twists and turns, will eventually lead to that person?

I’ve met a lot of cynics. People who choose to believe that love is nothing but a sappy word. People who do not believe that true love still exists. People who have been hurt so badly that they choose to run away and build this huge wall around them. Are they right? Is true love really nothing but a romantic novel or a mere romantic-comedy with Julia Roberts or Drew Barrymore in it? At this day and age are there still happily-ever-afters?

I don’t know. I honestly don’t know. I have just suffered through my first ever heartbreak and there are days when I would start believing that it would probably be easier if I close myself to the world and just lock my heart and throw away the key. But every single time I remember how great it felt to love and to be loved, those thoughts slowly melt away.

Yes, I’ve been hurt. Badly if I might add. But for some bizaare reason I still believe in happy endings. Call me a silly dreamer, but in this crazy, cynic world, I’d like to think that dreams still do come true.

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Thank you,

--
I am a witness to the suffering of my people.
I am a chronicler of truth and a catalyst of change.

-The Scholastican-

Contact Me

Maan Rodriguez

email address: maanrodriguez@gmail.com

--
I am a witness to the suffering of my people.
I am a chronicler of truth and a catalyst of change.

-The Scholastican-

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--
I am a witness to the suffering of my people.
I am a chronicler of truth and a catalyst of change.

-The Scholastican-